Airline amenities are becoming artifacts

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With tongue somewhat planted in cheek, I've written previously about airlines missing opportunities to charge fees. Carriers such as Ryanair then began to lend reality to the humor by pondering charges for restroom use.

Now comes news that American Airlines will be asking for $8 if you want a pillow and a blanket. According to The Associated Press, JetBlue and US Airways already charge $7.

So the blanket and pillow will cost more than the drinks? On American Airlines, I can pay $7 for a Bloody Mary, and I won't need a blanket and pillow. I'll be warm, comfortable, sleepy and save a $1, unless that's the price of snoring, too.

I can't wait until they start charging for the seat cushions. Benches will be free, but plush seating will be premium. It won't stop there either. In the event of a water landing, you will kindly swipe your credit card at your seat to enable release of the cushion as a flotation device. Buy the cushion and the life vest together, and get 25 percent off the total price.

Should the aircraft lose cabin pressure, don your mask first before assisting others, and don't forget to insert quarters to begin the flow of oxygen, a quarter per minute. Buying in bulk will get you free minutes. Insert 10 quarters and get 13 minutes of oxygen. Debit cards will be accepted.

We already see many of the airlines charging for priority seating, but how about priority exiting? Make it auction style. You want to be the first one up the jetway after the plane lands? Bidding starts at $50.

The airlines truthfully have left too many loopholes in the baggage fee policies, too (Southwest excepted, of course). I can foresee a system where it costs $15 per bag checked at the counter, and $30 for each bag you want to stow in the overhead bin. After all, rearranging all those bags as people board is costing departure time, and time is money. Oh, and it will cost the same amount to retrieve your suitcase should it arrive at your destination when you do. No charge if the bag gets lost.

Maybe the airlines should pass a hat, too, or like the Red Sox, start charging the former bleacher prices for standing-room-only admission.

I'm now accepting offers to become some lucky airline's Fee Czar. Recruiters will have to pay a fee, naturally.