Dear, Chrysler: Give me gadgets with my Man Van. Hold the stitching.

You would think that with a self-appointed brand like Commuter Daddy, I'd be a car guy. I'm afraid you'd be disappointed.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate fine automobiles. During my last round of car shopping, I was in the market for Mini Coopers and Audi A4s before settling into my more practical Volkswagen Passat.

I also have a long-held wish to head to Santa Cruz for Woodies on the Wharf. Earlier this year I took our youngest two boys and a one of their friends to check out a Tesla Roadster that was visiting The Brown Jug. We also attend at least a couple of classic car shows per year at Heritage Museum and Gardens and at Upper Cape Tech.

I don't pay much attention to the actual mechanics of our vehicles, though. Yes, I buy new tires every 50,000 miles and I get an oil change every 3 months or so, but that's the extent of my acknowledgment of a car's needs. I changed the oil myself once. Have you tried to crawl under a car on a shell driveway? I'm sure there's a few ways to properly and comfortably do it. My better way is to take the car to Sandwich Service Center up the street and walk home while I let the neighbors handle it.

Some deeper insight into my automotive naivete via word association. When you say torque, I think of the French chef's hat. When you say gear ratio, I think I should shift up while cycling on a descent or with the wind at my back. When you say high octane gas, I think about our boys after dinner.

Nevertheless, when I read last week that Chrysler was ready to unleash a man van upon us, I was intrigued. It reportedly has a sportier look, inside and out, but the details were otherwise relatively thin.

Fancy stitching? No, thanks. Leather seat belts? Kinky, if you're into that sort of thing.

Sure, extra horsepower and some fancy cosmetic features are nice, but what I really want is the ultimate road warrior vehicle. I need gadgets, and I'm not just talking some Bluetooth connectivity -- although there is no doubt that should be a standard feature.

Here's what should be included in my Man Van:

• Wood panels. See my desire expressed earlier regarding Woodies on the Wharf? Men always want to be sporting some wood.
• Shock absorbing coolers in the armrest. As I can personally attest, no man wants to arrive at his destination with a giant wet spot on his trousers.
• In-car wi-fi. When I first read about some in-car wi-fi devices that were coming out, I wondered how useful they would be. Never mind issues with texting and driving. Can you imagine the mayhem on the roadways if businesspeople could fire up their laptops while on their commute? Then, I started traveling a couple of times a month, while working from the home office much of the rest of the time. I suddenly appreciated the value of having an alternate wi-fi source. The picture at the top of this post shows a recent example when in-car wi-fi would have been immensely beneficial. My Verizon-powered Blackberry modem needed more power, Scotty. There was not enough bandwidth for me to run the Web conference portion of a conference call I was hosting. Luckily, one of my colleagues was on the call, so I handed off my host password, while driving like hell a little over the speed limit to find the nearest library with wi-fi. Chrysler, if you want me to consider buying a Man Van, give me wi-fi. The kids will thank you too, especially if they can be entertained via my wi-fi-enabled iPad on long road trips.
• Coffee maker. One less pitstop would make this extreme commuter much more efficient with his time. I'd suggest some sort of bathroom-like capabilities, too, but I assume I would still have to stop the car to utilize them. No real time to be gained by adding a toilet.
• Autopilot. Speaking of efficient use of time, when I get sleepy on the road, why rely on coffee at all? Make it for highway use only, and integrate the autopilot with the GPS navigation system. Set the course for your next exit, and when you get there an alarm will sound, waking you from your catnap. Cruise control is so old-school. It's time for an upgrade.
• Incinerator. If you want to offer a Mr. Fusion Home Energy Reactor to power deluxe models only, fantastic, but I absolutely need a standard device that rids the vehicle of spent snack wrappers, straws and napkins. My door pockets are forever getting crammed with trash, and much as I try to keep up by utilizing the garbage bins at gas stations, it always seems to be a needless cycle of messiness.
• iPod/iPhone dock. Charge it, play my podcasts and music, and give me control through the steering wheel. No more auxiliary cables, FM broadcast accessories or tape-deck adapters, please. An option to modify for the iPad would be a nice future enhancement, too.
• Interior bike rack. How about a Renniks Bicycle Tote? A dry bike makes for a happy cyclist, and a healthier commuter.
• Crock pot and/or breadmaker. If you're going to cook in the car, why make it difficult with all the aluminum foil and trial and error with finding the right spot in the engine block to cook the meal? Let's be more deliberate and provide a device for commuters who would like to eat less fast food and more home cooking. Give the road warriors back their time with the proper in-car device that would allow us to put dinner on the table as soon as we reach home while also being more efficient with the energy our cars are generating. There's got to be a carbon-neutral justification somewhere in this idea.

I can't have cornered the market on good Man Van ideas, especially given that all of these cater to my interests, hobbies and lifestyle. How would you equip your Man Van?